Kinetic, Showcase, Educator, Massachusetts

Kinetic - "I wonder, kinetic bite cause you to upchuck?"
Showcase - "If you're gonna sell your grandma's trumpet on eBay, you're gonna have to take pictures that showcase and all."
Educator - "We ain't sending Cindy Lou to public school on account of we can educator just as good."
Massachusetts - "Dorothy Ann won't let Leon chew tobacco around her so he goes to the store and gets a Massachusetts out behind the outdoor toilet and spits till he's tired."

Genius, Heartily, Benign, Toupee, Fixture, Custom

I have no idea how long it will take me to get through the entire redneck vocabulary, so I urge you to check back to see if I've posted more of this absolutely-useless information. I would, however, like to say that everything I share with you here, I learned first-hand from genuine rednecks. Here's some more redneck jargon you might enjoy:

Genius - "Sugarbuns, why don't you wear them genius wearing yesterday?"
Heartily - "You can't heartily tell from behind that they ain't buttoned."
Benign - "Leon's little girl is in the first grade; hard to believe she'll benign."
Toupee - "If Dorothy Ann gets her way, he's gonna have toupee her $85 a month in child support!"
Fixture - "I can't believe you won't pour me a beer after I fixture toilet!"
Custom - "If that guy had stared at MY wife's butt, I woulda custom out!"

Asbestos, Resurrect, Highlight, Pressure, Boarder, Shellacs

Don't think for one second that rednecks are dumb because the following are some of the words we will explore in this blog and there are some pretty long words here that they use every day. Ready or not, here goes:

Asbestos - "Junior thinks his girlfriend might be pregnant, but asbestos he can tell, she could just be fat." Resurrect - "John had to go to Wal-Mart before he could go on his job interview...said his old resurrect his face and he had to buy a new one."

Highlight - "Leon is going to go out on New Year's Eve, get highlight his butt on a barstool and stay there till they run him off." Pressure - "If you don't get off that couch and do something, I'm gonna pressure face into a pillow till you faint."
Boarder - "Peggy went out on a date with some guy she met at the truckstop...said he 'bout boarder to death talkin' 'bout trucks. Shellacs - "Oh, shellacs trucks okay, but it's hard to listen and chew on hot wings at the same time."

Beer, Competent, Waddle, Furlough, Ancestor, Browser, Herpes

I don't know what you think about all of this junk, but I think I'm gettin' pretty darn good at this redneck stuff (guess it just comes natural). Here's some more:

"Beer" ("Wanda swears she'll be faithful to me and I'll beer only boyfriend while her husband is gone huntin'.") "Competent" ("My cousin works down at Home Depot - reckon he'll competent for our next huntin' trip?" "Waddle" ("Waddle we do if he don't?") "Furlough" ("I guess we can chip in and buy one at Wal-Mart; that's where we usually go furlough priced stuff.")

"Ancestor" ("I don't see nothin' wrong with a girl being your girlfriend ancestor, do you?") And, don't think for a moment that rednecks aren't internet-savvy folks: "Browser" ("Good Lord, that girl's eye browser thicker than mine!") "Herpes" ("My wife's a pretty good cook...I love herpes.")

Enforcer, Widget, Disinfect, Water, Hormonal

Wow, being a redneck from Arkansas is fun! I can write about rednecks all day long (and I probably will). If you are, indeed, a redneck, the sentences I offer will just flow like a luke-warm Schlitz beer; if, however, you are one of those intellectuals, this junk won't even make sense to you. It's like trying to understand pig-Latin if you're not a pig, or Latin.

And, just when I thought to myself, "enough is enough" I realized that it isn't, so how about these words: "Enforcer" (Suzy Lou don't think the sheriff is going to enforcer restraining order against Leon on account of she weighs 300 pounds and he weighs 120") "widget" ("Widget for dinner?") Okay, that one was a stretch, but if you say it fast enough you'll get it.

Here are some more words a redneck might accidentally use, and how he might use them. "Disinfect" ("I've got a big ole cold sore on my mouth. I wonder...will disinfect Clara when I kiss her?") "Water" ("Water ya'll gonna bring to the potluck tonight?") "Hormonal" ("I ain't leaving this bar till my wife's asleep...I just can't listen to hormonal night about me findin' a job.")

Dark, Console, Window - Words to Ponder

Although I have probably given you all the tools you need in order to communicate with a redneck, I'm now addicted and I just can't stop myself, so let's look at the following words that a redneck might want to use, like "dark," ("why wasn't Noah's girlfriend on dark?") "console" ("You shoulda known when that console you that radio it was hot") "window" ("If you can find someone with some fighting cocks, you can window every night!"

Afar, Extinct, Details, Domain - Words to Ponder

Now, how about the word "afar"? There is absolutely, positively, unquestionably only one way a redneck will ever use that word: "You hear them sirens? Must be afar!" As far as a redneck is concerned, there is NO other way that word should be used, so if you say: "I can see you from afar", he thinks you are standing in the middle of a burning house.

Ask a redneck to use the words "extinct, details, domain and serrated" in a sentence and more than likely it will go something like this: "Cindy Lou wanted to use the bathroom at the filling station but extinct so bad she had to go behind the building." "Billy Bob's old dog is part Boxer, so he's gonna cut off details of the new litter.""Leon's got a lot of ex-wives, but everyone knows Dorothy Ann is domain one."

A Taper Is a Candle? Who Speed?

Rednecks don't know that a "taper" is a candle, so if you hear that word in their vocabulary, they are probably using it something like this: "If my wife don't be quiet about me finding a job, I swear I'm gonna taper mouth shut!" If your goal is to be a better communicator with rednecks, this will help you be a better communicator for sure.

Photo Caption

Sure, he loves her now, but give them about a year and he'll be wantin' to taper mouth shut!

Another word you are likely to hear a redneck say (unintentionally, of course) is "speed," and it has nothing to do with moving quickly. Here's an example: "I don't know what we're gonna do with Junior, he speed on the bed every night this week, and that sheet is starting to stink!"

Help Control the Pet Population - Get Your Dog Spaded?

Rednecks love animals, so one of their favorite words to use is "spaded". If your new friend tells you he is taking his coon dog to get her spaded and you don't see anything wrong with the way that word is used, you should have no trouble communicating because you're just as big a redneck as he is! If you know, however, that to have a female dog fixed is to have her "spayed" you are truly one of the enlightened ones on this earth.

The photo is of Lucy, who had just gotten spayed when this photo was taken by Coral11@Flickr - beautiful dog, but you can see the distaste for the procedure in her face.

The Beginning of a Long List of Redneck Nonsense

This blog is meant to bring a little humor to your life, and I hope you will enjoy the fun I poke at rednecks. I am allowed to do so, on account of I are one!

I made a new friend today and he's also a redneck. The photo here shows his wife and sister, but I don't know who the lady on the right is.