Wallet, Census

Wallet -" Henry, you better get that dang talking fish off that bathroom wallet don't go there and you know it; go put it in the dining room where it belongs!"

Census - "My old man said census girls was going out, the boys was just gonna stay home and get drunk and loud."

Rednecks Are Very Well-Traveled

Well, at least their vocabulary is:

Seattle - "Junior, always use a condom...Seattle keep you from gettin' one of those STD things."

Arkansas - "When Noah looked around the Arkansas all those animals, he said 'Man, this place is like a zoo.'"

Idaho - "That girl is just a pole dancer, Idaho!"

Russia - "Ma'am, I don't mean to Russia, but I've been standing in line for this six-pack of Schlitz for 10 minutes!"

Egypt - "I thought Billy Bob was a good ole' boy till Egypt me out of a case of beer."

Kinetic, Showcase, Educator, Massachusetts

Kinetic - "I wonder, kinetic bite cause you to upchuck?"
Showcase - "If you're gonna sell your grandma's trumpet on eBay, you're gonna have to take pictures that showcase and all."
Educator - "We ain't sending Cindy Lou to public school on account of we can educator just as good."
Massachusetts - "Dorothy Ann won't let Leon chew tobacco around her so he goes to the store and gets a Massachusetts out behind the outdoor toilet and spits till he's tired."

Genius, Heartily, Benign, Toupee, Fixture, Custom

I have no idea how long it will take me to get through the entire redneck vocabulary, so I urge you to check back to see if I've posted more of this absolutely-useless information. I would, however, like to say that everything I share with you here, I learned first-hand from genuine rednecks. Here's some more redneck jargon you might enjoy:

Genius - "Sugarbuns, why don't you wear them genius wearing yesterday?"
Heartily - "You can't heartily tell from behind that they ain't buttoned."
Benign - "Leon's little girl is in the first grade; hard to believe she'll benign."
Toupee - "If Dorothy Ann gets her way, he's gonna have toupee her $85 a month in child support!"
Fixture - "I can't believe you won't pour me a beer after I fixture toilet!"
Custom - "If that guy had stared at MY wife's butt, I woulda custom out!"

Asbestos, Resurrect, Highlight, Pressure, Boarder, Shellacs

Don't think for one second that rednecks are dumb because the following are some of the words we will explore in this blog and there are some pretty long words here that they use every day. Ready or not, here goes:

Asbestos - "Junior thinks his girlfriend might be pregnant, but asbestos he can tell, she could just be fat." Resurrect - "John had to go to Wal-Mart before he could go on his job interview...said his old resurrect his face and he had to buy a new one."

Highlight - "Leon is going to go out on New Year's Eve, get highlight his butt on a barstool and stay there till they run him off." Pressure - "If you don't get off that couch and do something, I'm gonna pressure face into a pillow till you faint."
Boarder - "Peggy went out on a date with some guy she met at the truckstop...said he 'bout boarder to death talkin' 'bout trucks. Shellacs - "Oh, shellacs trucks okay, but it's hard to listen and chew on hot wings at the same time."

Beer, Competent, Waddle, Furlough, Ancestor, Browser, Herpes

I don't know what you think about all of this junk, but I think I'm gettin' pretty darn good at this redneck stuff (guess it just comes natural). Here's some more:

"Beer" ("Wanda swears she'll be faithful to me and I'll beer only boyfriend while her husband is gone huntin'.") "Competent" ("My cousin works down at Home Depot - reckon he'll competent for our next huntin' trip?" "Waddle" ("Waddle we do if he don't?") "Furlough" ("I guess we can chip in and buy one at Wal-Mart; that's where we usually go furlough priced stuff.")

"Ancestor" ("I don't see nothin' wrong with a girl being your girlfriend ancestor, do you?") And, don't think for a moment that rednecks aren't internet-savvy folks: "Browser" ("Good Lord, that girl's eye browser thicker than mine!") "Herpes" ("My wife's a pretty good cook...I love herpes.")

Enforcer, Widget, Disinfect, Water, Hormonal

Wow, being a redneck from Arkansas is fun! I can write about rednecks all day long (and I probably will). If you are, indeed, a redneck, the sentences I offer will just flow like a luke-warm Schlitz beer; if, however, you are one of those intellectuals, this junk won't even make sense to you. It's like trying to understand pig-Latin if you're not a pig, or Latin.

And, just when I thought to myself, "enough is enough" I realized that it isn't, so how about these words: "Enforcer" (Suzy Lou don't think the sheriff is going to enforcer restraining order against Leon on account of she weighs 300 pounds and he weighs 120") "widget" ("Widget for dinner?") Okay, that one was a stretch, but if you say it fast enough you'll get it.

Here are some more words a redneck might accidentally use, and how he might use them. "Disinfect" ("I've got a big ole cold sore on my mouth. I wonder...will disinfect Clara when I kiss her?") "Water" ("Water ya'll gonna bring to the potluck tonight?") "Hormonal" ("I ain't leaving this bar till my wife's asleep...I just can't listen to hormonal night about me findin' a job.")